Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Animal Trainer

The ancient Roman animal trainer released the lions into the Colosseum, and turned to his assistant with a

"They’re a poor lot, this week," he said glumly, "even worse than the ones last year."

"I know," replied his assistant, "the Christians aren’t up to much either, are they?"

"No," said the trainer. "Bloody awful shower."

"Still, look on the bright side," said his assistant, "atleast we don’t get pitch invasions like they do at the
chariot races."

Baby Camel

"Mummy, mummy," said the baby camel. "Why have we got big flat feet?"

"So that we can walk across the sand easier when we’re trekking through the desert," she replied.

"And why have we got such thick hides?" he continued.

"That’s to protect us from the desert’s fierce sun," she replied.

"But why have we got long eyelashes?"

"That’s to protect our eyes against sand storms."

"So mum, what the fuck are we doing in Bristol Zoo?"
he said.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

My Mum's Better Than Your Mum

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

"My dad's a better darts player than your dad," said the first boy.

"No he ain't," said the second boy. "My dad got the highest score last week."

"OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum."

"Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing."

By Hand

“Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?”

“Sshh John, don’t talk like that in front of the children. Let’s use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, “How about turning the washing machine on.”

A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said, “Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?”

“Don’t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by hand.”

New Ears

"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

 She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

 The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

 "Who is the third rose from?" she asked

 "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
 He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Dead Donkey

A hapless reporter was looking for something to write about when he came across a road accident. A large crowd of people had gathered round the incident and there was no way he could get to see what had happened. Then he had an idea.

"Let me through, let me through!" he called, pushing people out of the way. "I'm the victim's son." Eventually he got to the front to find a dead donkey lying on the ground in front of the truck.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Big Black Horse

A man drove too fast down a country lane, skidded on some black ice and ended up in a ditch. Fortunately, a farmer appeared moments later, leading a big black horse. When he saw the man’s predicament, he offered to help.

“If we tie a rope around the car, I think old Black Bess here will be able to help get it out.”

So they tied the rope from the horse to the car and the farmer shouted,

“Come on Starlight, pull as hard as you can!” but the horse didn’t move.

Then the farmer shouted,

“Come on Silky, one, two, three. Pull!”

But still the horse didn’t move. So for a third time the farmer yelled,

“OK, Dobbin, pull now.”

Nothing happened. Then he called,

“Go on Black Bess, my beauty, pull hard.”

This time, the horse took the strain and slowly pulled the car out of the ditch. The motorist was very grateful but also a little puzzled.

“Don’t mind me asking,” he said, “but why did you call the horse by all those different names?”

“Well, it’s like this,” explained the farmer. “Old Black Bess is blind and if she thought she was the only one pulling, she’d never have bothered trying.”

Fell Out of The Window

A man dressed in pyjamas went up to the hotel
reception and asked for the key to room 402.
"I'm sorry, sir, the room’s taken," came the reply.
"I know it is," replied the man impatiently, "it's mine. I
just fell out of the window!"