Monday, August 31, 2009

Hit by a Bus

For the third time that week, Ben had been late home from work and his wife was sick and tired of reheating his food.

"Next time this happens," she threatened, your dinner will be in the bin and the bed will be made up in the spare room.

"Don’t worry darling," he promised, nothing will stop me from getting home on time tonight."

True to his word, Ben left work 10 minutes early to make sure he caught the train but alas, as he was crossing the road, a double-decker bus swerved around the corner and knocked him to the ground. Fortunately, he only had cuts and bruises but he was taken to hospital for a check up and eventually arrived home three hours late.

So much for promises!" yelled the wife. You’ve done it this time." It wasn’t my fault! I got hit by a bus!" replied Ben.

Oh yeah!" she replied scornfully, and that took three hours, did it?"

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Foreman

The foreman was just wondering why one of his men was so late getting back from making a delivery, when the phone rang.

“Sorry boss,” said the man. “I had a bit of an accident on the way back, I hit a pig.”

“Well, just put it on the side of the road and we’ll pick it up later.”

“But boss, it’s not dead. It just keeps squealing.”

“Okay, get the rifle from the back of the truck and put it out of its misery. Then throw it in the ditch until later.”

Friday, August 21, 2009


The restaurant was packed full with diners when all of a sudden, there was a terrible commotion and a woman began to choke on a piece of food.
Quick as a flash, a man ran forward, grabbed the woman and put her face-down on the floor. Then he pulled down her knickers and licked her bottom.
Immediately, the woman coughed up the piece of food and stood up fully recovered.
As the man walked back to his table, his companion looked at him in astonishment. “Bloody hell, I’ve never seen anything like that before!” he exclaimed. “That’s called the Hindlick manoeuvre,” the man replied.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Yo Mama's so Ugly

  • Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
  • Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
  • Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
  • Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

Dog Nails Clipped

 There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".

 The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".

 The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".

 "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

At Last They're Together

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."
 A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this last they're together!"
 The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Johnny and his Dad

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

Johnny says, "You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you". His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, "Son, there's no way! I've been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!". 
 Johnny replies, "Yep, Dad, I think I have."
 So his Dad thinks for a minute, "I tell you what, when we see a woman we've had sex with, we'll clap."
 Johnny says "o.k."
 They continue down the street, Johnny says "Hey look, it's Betty Lou" (clap).
 His Dad looks, "Ya, I know Betty Lou" (clap).
 "Look," says his dad, "There's Sally" (clap).
 Johnny says "I know Sally" (clap). "And there's Jenny" (clap).
 His dad looks, "Yes, I know Jenny" (clap).
 So Johnnys dad says "Well, Son, I've got to hand it to you, you haven't done bad for yourself, but I've got ya beat."
 They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says "Hi Hon" (clap).
 And Johnny comes in and says "Hi Mom," (clap) "Sis," (clap) "Grandma" (clap)

Monday, August 17, 2009

How to Make a Fruitcake

How to make a fruitcake!:
 1 C water
 1 C sugar
 4 large eggs
 2 C dried fruit
 1 tsp. baking soda
 1 tsp. salt
 1 C brown sugar
 Lemon juice
 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
 2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
 3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
 4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
 5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
 6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
 7. Turn off the mixer.
 8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
 9. Mix on the turner.
 10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
 11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
 12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
 13. Check the whiskey.
 14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
 15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
 16. Grease the oven.
 17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
 18. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
 19. Throw the bowl out the window.
 20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
 Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Blonde Boys

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?
- I don't know...Why?
- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

Losing A Wife Can be Hard

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.
1975 - 1998: Nothing.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75%
of the population.
First draw the curve, then plot the data.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

the priest

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!"

The farmer

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."


  1. Your potted plants stay alive.
  2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
  6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
  10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
  17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
  18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
  19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
  21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
  23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
  24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Man who

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


  • Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
  • Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
  •  Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
  • Viagra, Home of the whopper
  • Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

  • Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
  • Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

  • Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

  • Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to

  • and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

Any questions?