Dead Donkey

A hapless reporter was looking for something to write about when he came across a road accident. A large crowd of people had gathered round the incident and there was no way he could get to see what had happened. Then he had an idea.

"Let me through, let me through!" he called, pushing people out of the way. "I'm the victim's son." Eventually he got to the front to find a dead donkey lying on the ground in front of the truck.

Johnny and his Dad

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

 
Johnny says, "You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you". His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, "Son, there's no way! I've been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!". 
 
 Johnny replies, "Yep, Dad, I think I have."
 So his Dad thinks for a minute, "I tell you what, when we see a woman we've had sex with, we'll clap."
 Johnny says "o.k."
 
 They continue down the street, Johnny says "Hey look, it's Betty Lou" (clap).
 His Dad looks, "Ya, I know Betty Lou" (clap).
 
 "Look," says his dad, "There's Sally" (clap).
 Johnny says "I know Sally" (clap). "And there's Jenny" (clap).
 His dad looks, "Yes, I know Jenny" (clap).
 
 So Johnnys dad says "Well, Son, I've got to hand it to you, you haven't done bad for yourself, but I've got ya beat."
 
 They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says "Hi Hon" (clap).
 
 And Johnny comes in and says "Hi Mom," (clap) "Sis," (clap) "Grandma" (clap)
 

the priest

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

"Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy.

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball."

"Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked.

"No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole."

The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!"