My Mum's Better Than Your Mum

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

"My dad's a better darts player than your dad," said the first boy.

"No he ain't," said the second boy. "My dad got the highest score last week."

"OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum."

"Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing."

By Hand

“Hey June, how about a bit of slap and tickle tonight?”

“Sshh John, don’t talk like that in front of the children. Let’s use code. Whenever you feel like it, just say, “How about turning the washing machine on.”

A few evenings later, June turned to her husband and said, “Shall I put the washing machine on tonight?”

“Don’t bother, love, you looked a bit tired so I did it by hand.”

New Ears

"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

 She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

 The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

 "Who is the third rose from?" she asked

 "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
 He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

The Foreman

The foreman was just wondering why one of his men was so late getting back from making a delivery, when the phone rang.

“Sorry boss,” said the man. “I had a bit of an accident on the way back, I hit a pig.”

“Well, just put it on the side of the road and we’ll pick it up later.”

“But boss, it’s not dead. It just keeps squealing.”

“Okay, get the rifle from the back of the truck and put it out of its misery. Then throw it in the ditch until later.”

Restaurant

The restaurant was packed full with diners when all of a sudden, there was a terrible commotion and a woman began to choke on a piece of food.
Quick as a flash, a man ran forward, grabbed the woman and put her face-down on the floor. Then he pulled down her knickers and licked her bottom.
Immediately, the woman coughed up the piece of food and stood up fully recovered.
As the man walked back to his table, his companion looked at him in astonishment. “Bloody hell, I’ve never seen anything like that before!” he exclaimed. “That’s called the Hindlick manoeuvre,” the man replied.