A Thirsty Sailor

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "Fifty cents!"

Climbed Out Three Times to Pee

Brenda is home making dinner, when Tim arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in; you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband, Shamus?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. When we returned from sailing on my Cal 31, there was an accident. "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
Well, it wasn’t on the boat but on the way home from the dock. We stopped by the brewery for a pint and that’s when the accident occurred." "Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up: "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a great swirling vat of Guiness and drowned."
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well," began Tim, with head bowed. "No, Brenda... no." "No?" cried Brenda.
"Fact is," lamented Tim, "your husband climbed out three times to pee."

Arrogant Captain

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said, “Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth...”